SacrificialRant

We are not naive enough to believe that someone will be immortal because we have never seen him die, or that someone is innocent of murder because we have never him kill. The problem of naive generalization does not plague us everywhere. But such pockets of inductive skepticism tend to involve events that we have encountered in our natural environment, matters from which we have learned to avoid foolish generalization.

 We try as much as possible to iron out these differences, to pair up with the most suitable partner, friends, jobs etc. But due to inherent problems mentioned, these efforts are mostly fruitless. Society therefore has its own solution, which is to group and sub-group types of people into baskets and even smaller baskets. And the resulting classes, socio-economic groupings, educational levels and others are what we see today. And even this doesn’t solve our individualistic nature. But it does come as close as possible to ensure all of us get along.

On a personal level, when we discover such mismatches, it is mostly because we are convinced our objectives cannot be met. We are only convinced beyond any reasonable doubt because we cannot be sure if we are right as it hasn’t happened yet. And hindsight is only good for almost nothing. But mostly this calls for only two routes.

First route, we plan for change. Upon choosing this route, you must set a deadline and a strict delineation of the conditions, on your terms, only your terms. Whether it’s to leave, to ask, to demand or to rebel, it has to be what you want.  It is crucial to stick with your deadline and act upon it or the result will be you going through a vicious cycle indefinitely. And indefinitely is not something anyone with any sort of plan needs. This can be seen as giving up easily, weak or as being decisive. But I say, once you are convinced your objectives cannot be met, giving this route up is the only thing to do. Once your mind is made up, you do not ever regret it. Why? Because these are the only true choices we ever make and if you cannot make it, you’re not living.

The second route is to stick it through. This should only be taken if you still imagine whatever you’re doing to have a value added to your objectives. Other than this reason, should you still stick it through, you almost a zombie. Typically, you will give yourself a lot of reasons to. Such as peer pressure, embarrassment, vacillation and most infamously, hope. Hope is perhaps the dirtiest of all human emotions. Hope goes hand in hand with decisiveness. They are not mutually exclusive. Hoping for change while sitting put is much like praying to strike the lottery but not wanting to go out and buy a ticket. Yes, you may pick up a winning ticket, just like change may come knocking, eventually, or never.  But it would be much more effective to take a step yourself. Also imperative here is that you do not regret your choices.

So, there is an abundance of zombies around us. Like clockwork, they go about stuff. They are the well-perceived bunch that are the mean, in a cycle so vicious it’s almost like it’s all planned. They have an impression of being in control because they think they made a choice by NOT making one. I agree in different contexts it is a ‘move’. However, if it gets you nowhere nearer to your objective, it’s an excuse to stay still, idly uncomfortable yet sufficiently happy. (Dosen't this remind one of an effective way to rule a nation?) But aslong as one is happy with it, who is anyone to judge. Being happy with your choices is still first and foremost, despite my opinionated discourse.

This mission of a certain superior to irritate me is certainly gaining momentum recently. I’m starting to wonder if he would very purposely spoil something, which was perfectly fine before, just so that he can jolly well repair it. Or shove his newborn back into his wife just because it came out leg first, and then requesting caesarean section just as the baby was about to be delivered again. His ability to conjure up redundant, illogical, must-do tasks for no apparent reason other than to be just doing something issimply a gigantic eye-opener, which I should be quite honoured to be witnessing just as my days here are numbered. Good. Well done.

Monsiuer de Norpois was not lying. He had just forgotten. One forgets rather quickly what one has not thought about with depth, what has been dictated to you by imitation, by the passions surrounding you. These change, and with them so do your memories. Even more than diplomats, politicians do not remember opinions that they had at some point of their lives and their fibbing are more attributable to an excess of ambition than a lack of memory. 

...It tells him not to mourn his luck, not to enter denial, not to believe that his ears and eyes are deceiving him. Antony, do not degrade yourself with empty hopes, Antony just listen while shaken with emotion but not with the coward's imploration and complaints.

OMG, Iam obsessed with the book. Man.

So last night a certain relative made some spurious and derogatory remarks directed at me, explicitly dissimulating her devious intent to impugn, me that is, under a veil of honey-coated verbal diarrhea. A little on said person’s background reveals a cliché rags-to-riches story; made even more cliché that the transformation was due to in no small part that she married right.

 I vividly recall I received, from this person, on my birthdy when i was little a chocolate with a glaring ‘2 dollar special offer’ sticker on it. Things hasn’t changed apparently, made worst in fact by an ugly squabble over inheritance long past; she still harbors hatred and anguish. Now she bounces around proclaiming to the known universe that she just purchased a new property, part of which she put up a million bucks upfront cash. Yeah, whatever. But the haughtiness doesn’t halt here; it does when she has expulsed infinite random diarrhea from her orifices. I can surely understand now, her dislike of her son’s choice of a daughter-in-law. Isn’t it because she (daughter-in-law) is so reminiscent of her old self? So I say, bring your money and your unhappiness (how ironic) to your grave, for I hope your money will fuel the flames that will burn you for eternity.

Hopefully other relatives don’t stumble across this. Or the fallout will be such that of Nagasaki some time back.

I have an intense dislike for the pre-conceived notions of a good worker in the army. Subservience, total adherence to all rules and regulations are just 2 of many seemingly default traits that superiors like/prefer. I don’t see how anyone has the divine right to define these parameters for me. Now should you step out of bounds, you are deemed rebellious, nonconformist and by large, a bad worker.

By contrast, the docile, feeble one is seen to be the one more able to perform mundane office tasks with better efficiency. Thus, I don’t think I’m a ‘’good worker’’ as I am simply unable to be fully prepped/psyched to do what is to me meaningless and redundant. Even with a direct order to do it, unconsciously, I don’t register at all (if I don’t see the point) and I kinda have to remind myself incessantly to do it ‘that’ way.

Occasionally, that fails and my mind goes into a warped state and when that happens, what I do in reality is in auto-pilot. I just revert to doing it my way (with of course a bad after-taste). Sometimes, I have no recollection of said order even after acknowledging. Yes, it’s that serious. I confided in my superior of my ''madness'' which got the classic ''Are you out of your mind?'' expression in return. She got concerned, the kind that you offer someone in an asylum.

Tug-of-war is a suitable euphemism, on one side – my conscious being insisting that I’m going to do it how I think is right and the other - the pathetic side, the acknowledgment of authority and the tolerance of the present need to heed instructions from somebody who I don’t see as given the divine authority to instruct me, using the subjective set of morals and standards that they adhere to. I’m not refuting their values but just simply saying that what’s working for them shouldn’t be made to work for me. As I’m so respectful of their values, I do sometimes expect it to be mutual.

Recently, I have heard a certain superior promulgating his belief for a flat structure in the army and the example he gave was Google, to my amusement. But notwithstanding my allergy to conformism, I have to insist that conformism is important in the context of an organization that thrives on hierarchy and authority.

Suffice to say, a war machine will not function as it is expected to if its individual parts are all used to autonomy. A flat structure in the army is all but a dream, a dangerous one at that. The outcome will be catastrophic when there’s a need for immediate swift response, and everybody simply deliberates till dawn about the immaterial. Even after an urgent call is made right from the top, an army used to autonomy in peacetime is going to vacillate in wartime. But isn’t all we do in peacetime in preparation for wartime? In this event, there will ensue an open season of insubordination cases everywhere or in the worst case scenario, a total disintegration of the whole command structure under the hellish perils of war.

Unlike the private sector where a flat structure can produce rewarding and unexpected results, a war machine will always rely on authority to fight a war effectively, which is the ultimate reason why it even exists in the first place. 

There is a fine line between imposing and impressing, where imposition occurs when someone tries too hard to impress. While some of us are tweaked to have higher emotional awareness/sensitivity to people around us, others are oblivious to their conspicuous efforts to prove that they are for example, smarter, more affluent, more motivated, and ultimately, that they are the object of envy. I can only conclude that these self-aggrandizing antics that border on condescension and arrogance stems from deep-sitted insecurities about other areas of their lives and hence, they more than make up for it.

It is granted that most of us have a need to fulfill a natural desire to impress others around us. However for some, it becomes a planned maneuver and necessity manifesting itself on a daily basis. It is logical that although the intention may be innocent or benevolent, the means used might illicit unintended responses/feelings from the receiver. Conversations with such persons are stifling and one-sided as you supplement the other with feelings of superiority in order to get him to leave you alone as soon as possible.

The baffling fact is that the ‘’exalted one’’ has no clue that everyone around him is just simply entertaining and putting him with him. Consumed by this new-found alpha status, they become hungry for more. Well, just or kicks, should you choose not to entertain such persons, they find some reason to stick around until you dispense a bone or ‘’awe and hoorays’’ on them. And it’s quite amusing to observe, especially when they leave sheepishly, without the applause they expected to garner.

Nearing the end of my 2 year stint in the army, a lot of things have come into perspective. The free time I have now allowed for retrospection to the day I first set foot in Pulau Tekong. From my BMT days to unit life, there are loads of people I have met, some for keeps, and others the contrary and a few select ones, I loathe.

I guess a lot of us left tekong with a newfound respect for our commanders. However, that soon changed for me which brings me to the point I would like to highlight - the faltering standards of junior regular specialists in the SAF. You get the idea – 1^st, 2^nd sergeants and so on.

I have witnessed in my 2 years, a number of incidents that have plunged my impression of regular specialists to the core of the earth. I myself have had the misfortune of experiencing first hand gross misconduct, some of which might have dire implications for my fellow nsfs and my own safety. Clearing up chlorine tanks without proper equipment? Chlorine fumes are poisonous. Washing of superior’s car? Sweeping the parapet? Daily 3 hour hollering sessions? Restrictions on lunch at the cookhouse? Among other very unacceptable instructions that my seniors had so docilely complied with. I won’t elaborate on them right now. Ultimately, it resulted because there were no checks in place on him. The incident ended in dramatic fashion and left a permanent impression of the SAF on me that wasn’t very pretty. 

Another incident I witnessed involved a store man and a 1^st sergeant. The sergeant had bullied the store man continuously for a period of time. Beginning with trivial games like hiding his camp pass to outright intimidation. It finally resulted in a scuffle. It unfolded when the sergeant mocked the NSF and then proceeded to shove him; the NSF inadvertently fell backwards against a refrigerator. The NSF snapped, all the humiliation culminated in a fiery rage, and pushed the sergeant. Interestingly, the sergeant still found it in him to pursue the fray despite being taken aback by the NSF, out of sheer stupidity and ego. A brief exchange of pushes and punches ensued. The other store men quickly responded to pull the 2 fighters apart before it escalated any further. Just then, the sergeant thought apt to add a wad of spit to the poor NSF’s face.

This atrocious incident was witnessed by a lieutenant, also a regular, who conveniently decided to ingratiate himself with the background. The lieutenant is friends with the specialist. Following this incident, what little respect I already had left for regular specialists went sub-zero. Is this the standard that the SAF is adhering to now? I thought to myself how many more similar happenings occurred that day around the island without needful rectification.

Just recently, I heard of yet another occurance where a 2^nd sergeant made an admission directed towards a very close friend that went like ‘‘I have been aiming him for quite sometime already’’ followed by a threat that went ‘’if he makes just one mistake, ill make sure he gets it.’’ I believe the sergeant’s reason that my friend is always slacking is not substantiated. How far can a sergeant go before going beyond his scope of power to ‘aim’ someone? Is there no check on the autonomy that he has before resorting to such discriminating actions? A statement like this can be very intimidating to the receiver. He obviously is drunk with the little power that he will ever have. Pathetic mongrel.

I think its time the SAF revise and adhere to a new threshold regarding the character and signing of regular specialists. It may seem my biasness is exclusive to regular specialists but it is definitely not unfounded. I have not met a commissioned officer lowering himself to such amorality as yet; likewise, I have also encountered many quality WOSEs.

The SAF itself is a microcosm of the real world. The hierarchy in place is reminiscent of the divisive society we all live in. The very very high ups are the brigadier- generals and above, followed by the very senior officers and so on. Generally, the commissioned officers do not cross paths with WOSEs and the higher up the chain you go, the greater the disparity. This said, despite being deemed the ‘backbone of the SAF’, the WOSEs will always remain the second-class citizens of the organization. But that doesn’t mean the quality and character of hires should be compromised. I’m concerned about the infestation of amoral half-wits into the junior specialist ranks. Most of their motivations to sign-on may be anything but patriotism as we all know.

On a completely different note, for the pittance that is 470bucks a month, I just cannot find enough incentive, other than to satisfy my superior’s wants and to help my fellow NSFs out, to render any further service to the SAF. For this meager amount, I deserve every right to spend the day however I deem fit, likewise for other fellow nsfs. If one’s priorities differ from that of the superior’s, it is of no fault of the NSF that an assigned job wasn't done to satisfaction. After all, we are conscripts, not volunteers. And, we are a lawful country, which only means loopholes available for exploitation by the resourceful. Hence, NSFs should take the initiative to put right oppressive superiors they encounter through whatever means available to them. Parents, and therefore, the general public should also play a supporting role to pressurize the organization for more accountability regarding questionable practices, especially ones concerning the safety of their children and loved ones.